


How can I?

by Ava_Rose



Category: A Kiss from Death
Genre: Everyone's upset, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Mental Breakdown, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, The whole romance bit is kind of glossed over, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-09 03:50:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_Rose/pseuds/Ava_Rose
Summary: MC starts to suspect where the blame for her troubles lie, and tries to prove herself wrong.Instead, she comes home unable to look at herself.





	How can I?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not done with the game. This is based off my personal suspicions based on the information I've been given.

_There's no way,_ you thought to yourself, even as you braced yourself to step into your father's house, _Killian could never. He's always been there for me._

Killian came to see who had come in, looking the same as he had for years.

_Ever since I met him._

You came back to yourself when you realized Killian had said your name multiple times now.

"Are you alright?" He asked, stepping closer to check your temperature. Despite yourself, you felt your cheeks growing rosy at the feeling of his hand. It was cool and dry, something you were used to from all the times he'd had to take care of you when your father was too busy.

"You don't feel that warm." Killian frowned at you for another moment before stepping back out of your personal space.

"I'm just kind of spacey today, it's fine," you muttered, glaring at the floor when you realized you were too scared to look at his face.

"If you say so," Killian said slowly, "Would you like to come sit with me? Your father went out to grab office supplies."

"Yeah. I kind of wanted to talk to you anyway," you agreed quickly, before remembering what had happened last time you were in a situation like this, "Umm..."

Killian watched you deliberately step away from him with something like amusement, "I won't touch you. You have my word."

_I'm not sure I can trust your word anymore. I'm not sure I ever could._

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Killian asked once you had both sat down, him in an armchair and you on the couch.

"Y-you've been working with my father for a while now, right? What's it been, seven years?" You dropped the number with a fair amount of hope.

_Just not ten years, anything but that._

"It's actually been more like ten," Killian corrected softly. You could feel his eyes on your face, so you tried not to let anything show, but inside you were losing it.

"Oh." You finally whispered, not sure what else you could say.

"That's an interesting pendant." The subject change was so abrupt you almost asked him what the hell he was talking about. Instead, you reached up to feel the necklace Anders had given you. It had fallen out of your shirt at some point.

"I found it at a thrift store," you lied, the words coming far more easily than you wanted, "Thought it was interesting."

"Mmm," Killian mused, "I hate it."

The blunt statement caught you off guard, and you looked him full in the face. His red eyes were narrowed at the necklace, but they slowly slid up to meet your new ones.

_How did I never realize how strange that colour is?_

You felt the panic really set in when he smiled slowly, _He knows. Oh God, he knows!_

"It's tacky and ostentatious," he said, standing, "Detracts from your beauty."

You nod numbly, frozen in place. Was he going to attack you now?

"If you'll excuse me, there is some work your father expects to have done before he comes back. You know where the door is when you're ready to leave."

You waited until Killian was gone before getting to your shakily getting to your feet. The walk out felt like it took forever, thought's running through your head.

_"I've loved you for a long time now."_

_"You have a big heart."_

_"It's all I've thought about."_

_"I was there for your heart transplant, remember?"_

You froze in the doorway, feeling bile rise, _There's no way. It's got to be a coincidence._

_That'd be a hell of a coincidence._

You couldn't stop yourself from running home, chanting in your head that two crazy theories on the same day couldn't both be correct. Begging yourself to stop destroying your life, you burst through your door.

"Where the hell have you been?" Tyler hissed the moment your feet touched your own floor.

"Where's Jasper?" You begged, barely able to hear yourself over the pounding of heart.

"I'm here," an angry sounding voice said from the kitchen, "Answer the fuc-"

"When did you die?" Silence filled the room, even Anders freezing in his walk to your side, "Exactly, please."

Jasper slowly told you the date of the morning he died, and you slowly sunk to your knees. You felt like you weren't getting enough oxygen as you started to shake.

Anders called your name, sounding alarmed as he dropped down next to you. You tried fighting his hands when he pulled your face up, but soon enough he had his eyes locked with your stolen pair.

"What's going on?" He asked with a level voice, despite the other two growing more agitated in the background.

"K-Killian is the devil," you whimpered before beginning to quietly sob. Anders let go of you to allow you to fall into his chest.

You heard Jasper growing irritated, "What the hell does that have to do with me dying?"

"Think about it, you dunce," Tyler said, "What else do we know happened that day?"

"I don't friggin' know!" Jasper roared back, clearly sick of missing out.

"And this is why we didn't figure everything out sooner!" Even Tyler was raising his voice, "If you used even half the brain you should have in there-"

"My transplant," you said from the safety of Anders' arms, "My heart transplant was that afternoon."

Saying it out loud was too much, and you tore yourself away to dash for the bathroom. You managed to lock the door behind you just as the handle shook. Jasper called your name from the other side, but you weren't ready to face him. You weren't ready to face anyone really.

~~~~~

Jasper called your name again, a little more desperately, "Come on! We need to talk about this!"

"Let her be," Anders finally said, pulling Jasper's attention away from the door, "She's still processing everything."

"She's sounds like she's dying in there!" Jasper couldn't believe it. Anders was seriously saying this with a straight face? Couldn't he hear your pitiful cries?

"We can't help her until she's ready to let us help her," Tyler reasoned from the dining room table, already back on your laptop. He didn't seem to be doing anything with it though, "Give her time."

Jasper looked between the other two Grim Reapers silently before throwing himself onto the couch, "This whole thing sucks."

Tyler stared blankly at the laptop's screen in silence, and Anders sighed. It might suck, but it was the hand they dealt.

Their patience only lasted until there was a banging sound in the bathroom followed by nothing. Jasper was the first to the door, begging you to tell him if you were alright. After a few moments of silence he seemed to lose all self-restraint, and broke down the door. The sight waiting for him stopped him dead.

You were in the corner, face turned in his direction, but clearly not seeing him. Your arms and legs were red, probably well on their way to bruising, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was the scratch marks all over your face and chest, and it only took a quick look at the blood on your nails to figure out how that had happened.

Jasper flew to you, pinning you to the floor with your hands on either side of your head, "What the hell are you doing?"

He couldn't stop the terror crawling into his chest when your expression didn't budge as you answered, "They're stolen. Don't want'em."

"The fuck do you mean?" Jasper asked, resisting the urge to shake you.

"Jasper!" Anders voice finally broke through the haze of fear, "Come on, let Tyler take care of her."

Tyler was in the door frame, eyes wide as he looked at you. If he had thought you were going to go this far, he never would've-

"Don't think about it," Anders muttered as he ushered Jasper away, "Just get her cleaned up and into bed."

He was right. Allowing himself to sink into helplessness wouldn't help, but it wasn't easy when he looked at you.

You were perfectly still while he started running water, didn't even blink when he undressed you. After the time he'd spent with you, he found it incredibly creepy to not be snapped at. You were supposed to be glaring at him and saying accusatory things, like he wanted to see you naked. Well, maybe he did, but not like this.

You obediently went into the bath when he lead you to sit, and he grabbed the softest washcloth he could find to rinse off what evidence of your breakdown he could. It took only a couple of minutes, and without anything telling him not to, Tyler found himself watching your skin as the heat discoloured it.

"Hair."

Tyler was startled by the hollow sounding word, "What?"

"My hair gets gross when it's wet and not washed."

You were still staring straight ahead, and looking at your face brought Tyler a whole new round of uneasiness for no clear reason, "Would you like me to wash your hair?"

Your head dropped in a mockery of a nod, but you made no other move. Tyler sighed before reaching over to turn your body away from him. If it was so important that it cracked your stupor, he could wash your hair.

If he heard suspicious sniffling noises, he wouldn't say a word.

~~~~~

Anders was tired. Between keeping Jasper from running off to rip the newly found demon a new one and keeping an eye on Tyler and you, he hadn't even really had time to process everything. When Tyler staggered out of the bathroom, weighed down by much more than just your body, Anders couldn't stop himself from relieving the younger reaper.

"I'll take her from here," Anders said quietly, moving the arm Tyler wasn't holding over his shoulders. You weren't quite tall enough to stay flat on your feet, and started swaying gently.

"I am perfectly capable-" Tyler started before Anders interrupted him.

"So am I. Go." With that, Anders gently pulled you to your room.

Your room was dark, and Anders wasn't sure if it would be less appropriate to root through your drawers, or to leave you bare for the night. Finally, he decided to just tuck you under the blankets and hope you weren't too irritated when you started feeling more like yourself. When he turned to leave, he felt your hand gently brush his.

"Please don't go."

He turned back to look at you. Your eyes were a touch more alert than before, shimmery with tears.

"I'm not going anywhere," he softly promised, sitting down on the bed and holding your hand. You felt cooler than normal.

You moved your lips like you were trying to smile, and Anders abruptly felt pathetic. You were so pitiful looking in the moonlight streaming from your window, but he could do absolutely nothing to fix it.

"What's wrong?" You whispered, fingers twitching against his wrist.

"I wish I could fix this for you," he confessed, running his free hand through your hair, "Your life is falling apart around you, and it hurts to see you hurting. I'm just not sure where we go from here."

"You're doing your best," You said, turning to hold his hand between both of yours, "That's all anyone can do. Don't beat yourself up over this."

"We'll see." Was all he could offer.

You bit your lip after it was clear the conversation was done. Anders noticed almost immediately, "What is it?"

"Do you think Jasper could forgive me?"

Anders said your name with such affection that you were almost distracted, "We went over this with Lisette. It's not your fault-"

"They died because of me," you said over him, "I may not have been the one wielding the knife, but he did it for me."

You felt sick all over again. Closing your eyes, you gripped Anders' hand as hard as you could, "Do you really think Tyler and Jasper don't blame me at least a little bit?"

"What I think," Anders said, "Is that even Jasper is thinking through this more clearly than you. Sleep, and we'll talk more in the morning."

"Where is Jasper?" You gasped, alarm rolling through you as you stumbled to your feet, "He can't go after..."

You couldn't bring yourself to say Killian's name. It still broke your heart just thinking about him.

"Jasper is in the living room with Tyler right now." Anders wrapped a sheet around you while you were standing there, "Don't worry, no one is going after anybody tonight. Please sleep."

You let him lead you back to your bed, feeling defeated for no real reason.

"You can talk to Jasper in the morning," Anders reassured you, "In the meantime, I'll stay with you."

You nodded, already drifting. You had trapped Anders' hand again, and he enjoyed the feeling of your soft breathing over his skin.

"How could she think I won't forgive her?" Jasper muttered from the corner, "There's nothing to forgive, except maybe for beating the crap out of herself."

"Talk to her in the morning," Anders said, "She's delicate right now though, be careful."

"You really think I'm going to hurt her?" Jasper snorted, "How can I? She's literally got my heart."


End file.
